Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.