Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
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3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine