It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
scrabbled eggs
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?