OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
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I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…