[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.