Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
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Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on