LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
You Might Also Like
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.