ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
It’s an epidemic…
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!