You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
You Might Also Like
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
What a chick magnet..
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.