Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.