flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Every. Damn. Time.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Monday Lisa
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.