MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
You Might Also Like
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?