*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Wake me when AI does housework
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer