Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
You’ll be OK
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
A bold strategy
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”