Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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men’s fashion peaked in 1838
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Not today
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week