nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*