A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Seems kinda suspicious
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.