wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
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every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My Guy
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely