[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
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MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.