I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
good work, detective
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I’m having an out of money experience.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep