How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?