me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Yeah. This was me today.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or