Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Breaking news:
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.