My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
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My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.