A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”