*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.