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[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts