GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!