ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
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Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
mood