My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
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A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact