ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
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scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks