No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
You Might Also Like
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.