My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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Note to self: always read the final line
#Caturday
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
🤭😂
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?