Only a mother’s love …
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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
🍛
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?