When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
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[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.