Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
You Might Also Like
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?