Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
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women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.