Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
forgive me baja for i have blast
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
my name is luke but my friends dont call me