Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger