My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
ibopfufen
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch