At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
No, I don’t think I will.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.