I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip