[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
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me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce