[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
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Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
this article brought to you by lions
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.