Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
You Might Also Like
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
the red hot silly peppers
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen