We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
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The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
True?
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.