Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.