Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat