me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
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“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.