Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
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My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]